HERE it goes again! Another long hiatus from me! It's like a bad habit which requires revisiting.
Looks like there's only a few posts per year and my blog is practically collecting dust as I'm typing. But, there are still visitors which I am surprised & grateful! ♥
Thank you for coming by, to those that browsed and those that remembered I have a blog and all, my sincerest apologies because there were no updates so far other than this post and to make matters worse, a post without pictures!!! Everybody love pictures. If only.. people can find the time to read these days. Buhh! Sorry, how grateful I am.
I also just realised I have a sleeping Twitter account which needs updating so please check it out. The button is at the 'Follow Me' sidebar. I have yet to twit but I'll get to it. I promise; keeping fingers and toes crossed.
How do people have so much time to spare for social media? You have to keep updating your FB, IG, and Twitter. Arrghhhh!!! Is WP a social page? Hmmm tell me, will you?
Anyways, long story short. So much have been going on since I last updated my blog. Ups and downs; grins and frowns; laughter and tears. 2017 ended so fast that I forgot how old I am already. I needed the help of the calculator to find my age. Do know, I am no way of exaggerating.
My uncle left us exactly 2 months ago, a day before my bday. I couldn't celebrate my birthday. I didn't know how. His death hit me real bad. I wouldn't say we were close but we were close-knitted. I last saw him in December and last spoken to him on Feb 1st, the day I got back from Germany. I didn't know I was wounded inside. I kept breaking down until I've lost count how many times I've cried. I covered my wounds by keeping myself busy, doting on this and that.
And then.... I hit rockbottom. Everything caved in. My thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions. I was harbouring all these feelings: I was confused, frustrated, depressed, anxious, upset, angry, worried, ashamed. I was everything I am not. I wasn't me.
Truth to be told, have you ever got to a point where you feel like you just want to let everything go?
Like leave it be and just begone? Retreat to a cave solely maybe with just an e-reader? I mean not necessarily with an e-reader but that's me to keep myself sane.
I think I have come to a point that I've been trying or least tried to make everyone happy. To give the people around me the support they need, to give them what is expected of me as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc. And in the midst of doing that, I totally forgotten about myself. I have never thought about it, ya know? I am happy when I see my loved ones happy. I feel accomplished.
I didn't know what I needed. Where I've been or what I've been doing all this time. Did I change so suddenly or all this while I was being someone I am not? Was I like this before? Is this what I was meant to be?
I've been holding on for so long, keeping things to myself, didn't want to trouble people with my thoughts and wishful thinking.
I think part of me was giving up. It's like I don't have the drive anymore. Where did it all go? →I gave up on doing things that I like. →I gave up on reading for awhile. →I gave up on hopes and dreams. →I gave up on being me. But, who am I?
I didn't tell a single soul what I was going through because in my mind, it was all me; my own doing. I only have myself to blame.
"Is this depression?" I don't think so.. I still get out of bed for chores, waking the kids up for school, prep theirs and our breakfast, feed the dogs, do the laundry, walk the dogs, etc.
Perhaps I think I am not good enough. Somehow in my mind, I could do better. I could do more. Perhaps I don't feel loved or appreciated. I feel like I'm giving more than I am receiving. Perhaps I'm doing everything all on my own. I wanted others to understand but I can't speak up. Perhaps I am just tired. Tired of everything. I needed a break. A deep breathing break. A start-over. A fresh new beginning?
I guess, I just needed someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. It will turn out fine. It's just a passing storm, let it rain, open the floodgates. There's always calm after a storm, right? Right? I should have let out what I'm feeling inside. I should have voice out and share my problems and issues, not to hold it in to myself.
Regardless, I am feeling better these days. With the support of my hubby, good advice from loved ones, I am getting there, I am getting better. I am BETTER. I don't want cry anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be me, the olé me. :)
So now, you know why I've been away, why I've been hiding. :)
So here is the end of my 'open-letter' to my fellow readers. I want to say thank you for coming back here. ♥THANK YOU♥ to my one and only, who believed that I will get better, who stood by my side when I was feeling way low, who keeps reminding me from time to time that it'll be okay. I will be okay. We will be okay. We are more than okay. Hugs XOXO. Love you always, bie bie.